Rylan Moments Episode 2

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A Difficult blog post..

I haven’t blogged in a week as it’s been a rough one. Sunday night I got a message to call my mom ASAP. I knew something was wrong when I saw that, but I never expected the news I got. My mom had told me that my step-brother had been arrested. I started feeling irritated as I thought something had happened and my brother getting arrested for a warrant wasn’t serious. That irritation quickly switched to shock/disbelief when she went on to explain that my brother committed suicide hours after being arrested. I couldn’t stop thinking about how I was just told earlier that he was pulling his life together and getting clean from being addicted to pain killers. I was so proud of him when my mom told me he was getting clean. I had high hopes for him as he never seemed like the rest of the druggies I’ve met/known. No one knows why he didn’t feel like living anymore. It hurts to even think about it.

I still have many emotions I’m trying to sort out. I guess this is what grieving feels like. Anger, because he chose to end his life. Regret, because I didn’t talk to him enough. Sadness, because I will never see him again. Confusion, because I just don’t understand why.

His funeral was last Friday. He had to be cremated as it was honestly the least expensive way. And his ashes were spread in the mountains at my grandparents property. I think it was a nice resting place. Sadly there is no stone as it’s not something anyone can afford right now. If by chance anyone reading this would like to help I can take donations through Paypal. My email is susangrattan89@gmail.com. Anything donated will fund a nice stone to place where his ashes were spread.

“Suicide does not end the chances of life getting worse, suicide eliminates the possibility of it ever getting better.”




In Loving Memory of Nathan Clyde


He was a brother, a son, an uncle, and a friend. I only remember him as a kind guy. At his funeral a few people pointed out how much he loved his little nephews; he loved kids. He also loved to go fishing and hunting with his dad (my step-dad). I had honestly never seen my step-dad cry until he talked about the loving memories he had of his son while at his funeral. He is missed deeply by all who loved him and he will forever remain in our hearts, prayers, and thoughts. Love you Nate!


Thank you everyone for reading. Xx



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Sorry, but you’re not good enough.

Well, I finally got the letter from the University of Utah. As you can guess by the title of this post, I wasn’t accepted. So I wasted a bunch of time and $125 dollars just to be told I am not good enough. Thanks UofU. The thing is, I know I’m good enough. And I know they are stupid for not accepting me. Why would you deny someone admissions because of high school records when recent grades at another accredited University are perfect? I don’t know…

Anyways, I’m trying to stay positive. I’ll just have to stay at Weber State University for one more year and then I should be able to reapply to UofU and be accepted.

Moral of the story, kids, stay in school. Not because it makes you smarter, or you need to, but because it opens doors for you. You don’t know what you might want later in life. You might hate school now, and then like me, come to the realization that it sucks when you don’t make enough to support the life you want.

Thanks for reading. Xx

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Just Three songs

Music plays a huge part in my life. It seems most songs I listen to end up with memories tied to them. Sometimes these memories are from me relating to the lyrics at that time such as: Love The Way You Lie by Eminem and Rihanna reminds me of a bad break up with one of my exes. And sometimes the memories are from me listening to the songs repeatedly during a certain time in my life, like the album by It’s Alive reminds me of driving to Colorado. Of all the music I have (well over 50 GB worth), there are three songs that carry the most meaning and the strongest memories. Here they are (in no particular order) with short explanations on why they mean so much:

Lego House by Ed Sheeran

This song was shown to me by my ex D. We often referred to building our “Lego house” through our relationship. I found comfort in this song through many of our hurdles and listened to it often. When Rylan was a newborn he struggled to fall asleep and I would try to sing to him the couple of lullabies I knew (twinkle twinkle little star, and soft kitty warm kitty). It got tiring singing the same two very short songs, so one night I started singing Lego House to him as I had already almost memorized it. So it’s kind of mine and Rylan’s song now even though it still does have the memories of my ex tied to it. Continue reading

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Country with a view

If I could go anywhere, right now, it would be Germany.

Berlin, Germany at night.

One of my biggest dreams/goals is going to Germany. I started learning German and about Germany when I was dating a guy who was born in Germany. At first I was only learning the language because I thought it would be fun to speak to him in it (which it definitely was). Even though that relationship has long been over, my love for Germany is still strong. I am determined to live there one day. Continue reading

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What does the first of the month mean to you?

I imagine that to most people, the first of the month doesn’t really mean anything. It’s just another day. For me, however, it usually means some sort of new goal, new challenge, or a new beginning of sorts.

This month I have a few challenges I’m going to try to overcome: Continue reading

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Oh, the milestones!

Rylan has hit two really big milestones recently.

On Mother’s Day he started saying ‘mom’ and meaning it instead of his normal babbling. Now he also says ‘yeah’ and he’s starting to say ‘nein’ (no in German). I’ve also been working with him on sign language and he’s picked up the word for ‘more’ so far. And he’s understanding more and more each day. 🙂

On May 8th he took his first real steps and now he can walk short distances when he’s feeling patient enough. Most the time he’ll just crawl cause he knows he can get to where he wants faster. I don’t mind, I absolutely love his adorable crawl!

I’ll be making a short video soon so stay tuned for some more cuteness. 🙂


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On The Move (photo challenge)

I’m a little late as this was last weeks photo challenge.. But better late than never!

The challenge is to “share your interpretation of ‘on the move’.” So here’s my photos :]




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Love is Not Enough

I’ve been struggling a bit with missing my ex lately. I can’t seem to get rid of the desire to get back with him, even if I know it would be a bad idea. I think that maybe it’s that I don’t feel happy with my life and I think he could fix that. Well, honestly, I know he could. Continue reading

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Gallery of Rylan (now in HD)

I bought me a new camera!! It’s great. Like, really great. I’m still learning how to use it as I’m kind of clueless with fancy cameras. But, I can take okay pics without completely knowing what I’m doing.

Here are some pics of Rylan. =)

P.S. Sorry they are all so similar. I’m new at this, kay?


Look at those eyes!!! ❤

Continue reading

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